Chapter 15 Were going to get you all fixed up

When i flew into Arkansas i never noticed how many green trees there were. It felt like i had been gone for years but only 15 months. Looking back i dont know why i was so happy to have returned. I gave my mother and father even Erin all a kiss on the cheek with hugs. I was just in time for the aproaching holidays. I found work at a lunch meat facotry after i turned down a job at a local call center. I believed this to be the wiser decision. I was called into the office over a lie a co worker and her friend spread and the manager came down on me as if i was immiediately guilty. I decided to quit. By now my mother is reaching deeper than ever into her bag of tricks and tells me i need “just go talk to some body” .

I read a verse in the bible that said “It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, Than with a contentious woman in a wide house”. Proverbs 21:9. And After talking to my sister April she gave me a ride to a hotel. I had a visit that night from Erin and i knew something was going on. I checked out the next morning and went to the park to plan my next move. I was not there long when i was approached by two officers who said “Now Mr Dawes your not under arrest but we do have a court order to take you to the Arkansas sate hospital for psychiatric evaluation. I didnt fight what was i supposed to do say No! fuck you! and run? So, In the back of the police car they begin the drive to the hospital. The partner pulls out his cellphone and calls my mother to inform her of the good news. I hear her voice on the other line. “hello mrs Dawes?” “YES!” “This is officer and i got your son here were taking him to the hospital now.” My mother case was i was suicidal due to my numerous occasions of being homless around the world.

Before the Jude still within hospital grounds i had achance to speak. I said “Your honor if i were indeed suicidal would i have infact bothered to have shaven my face the morning i was brought here for evalutaion? or wouldnt i have rathar slit my throat with the razor instead.”

The jude says “clearly this man suffers from a mental illness and so be it he remain in hospital custody.” Now im getting creeped out. But it was 3days later 4Doctors said “your okay” “you can leave” ” your mother is seeking guradianship” ” we have prescribed these for anxiety, you can take them if you want to but you dont have to” My  good friend Michael Buckner agreed to house me upon release.

I found a job at Vinos, a bar where bands play in downtown little rock. The guy who hired me was named Jeff. I went to my job and tryed to stay focused my mother had a court date coming up for an emergency 90 day guardianship. I made the court date with the documentation my docotrs made sure i had to go with . This documentaion stated how my mother made numerous attemps to violate the hippa laws by calling the hospital several time seeking information on my treatment. Being a registered nurse herself she if fully aware of hippa laws, the reasons they excist as well as the repercussions for their breach. I made the judge aware of this and he said ” im going to grant the 90day gurdianship with the stipulation Mr Dawes remain in the home of his friend.

This gave my mother temporary control over all of my medical and finacial decisions. On top of this my boss Jeff was a drunk and for no reason started to cut my hours back at work. When i noticed i said whats up with my hours Jeff I cant eat off of 2 days a week. he said “can we talk about this some time when im not drunk” My mother had hired a lawyer against me to aid her in her pursuit for guardianship and had yet another court date set, this time seeking permanant guardianship. I started selling plama to make it. I decided to go to the place i felt like i had family. The one place familys stay together. so with a little help from an old love, some plasma money and a $125 paycheck from Mcdonalds, I left.

Chapter 14 And God Said

I had enough money for a one way flight from Honolulu to Phnom Penh but i had not bought the ticket. And so it was on the night of the great eclipse of the roof top, the hawaiian moon was enormous and blood red. This is when i felt the voice of God say “Derek go home. you belong where i placed you, with your family”.

Chapter 13 Between Alaska and Hawaii


The bus broke down late at the night in the middle of the desert but it still only took two days to reach Jaurez. At Jaurez i bought a ticket to Seattle and noticed the journey was routed thru California. I had the entire day to think about my plans sitting at Jaruez. I didnt want to face my old California demons, not yet anyway and if i can avoid it i will. But i cant, okay face the music lets go. I made it to El Paso then decided to some how change my ticket. Money of course for $20 i was re -routed thru colorado, a much more pleasant route in my oppion. I made it to Denver before i needed more dollars so i found a place to change the pesos to dollars. I didnt want to let go of the pesos. I made it to seattle and bought yet another bus ticket this time to Van couver Canada. The bus hits the Canadian boarder at 3am and im dressed in black slacks a baby blue shirt and a silver tie carring a guitar. Immediately Canada customs assume im a drug dealer and bring me to the side. Then the interigation, where are you coming from? Mexico. Mexico!? what are you doing down there? I been lving there. Well your guitar your luggage have traces of cocaine. can you explain what your doing with cocaine? I dont have any cocaine. Yes, yes you do everything you have is covered in it. Well then if that is true you should place me under arrest and toss me to the jail then shoudlnt you because that is a crime. okay well just come into this room bend over and spread your ass cheeks for us. sure, id love to. Okay your free to go, but we are not letting to into Canada. You dont have an adress of where your going. I was stuck in Blaine Washington The bus i was on was the last thing moving untill monday.

At this time my options were a ferry from Bellingham or a flight from Bellingham but bellgham was not waking distance and flights to Juneau are twice the cost from bellingham rathar than the Seattle airport. Finally the city bus is on time and 3 city busses later i reach the light rail to the airport to board a flight to Juneau.

It was snowing imagine that. we were approaching to the airport in Juneau and the snow was so bad i thought we were going to crash. I would not have minded if we had.We land and i phone John Robbins “Hello John?” “yes who is this” “this is Derek from Mexico Erasmos friend im at the airport” “who?!” … “wait, you did speak to Erasmo?” “No he never told me anything but there is a cafe near the airport wait for me there im at work but ill come to meet you” I went to the cafe and a woman walks up to me and introduces herself as Johns wife. She explains John sent her for me. We leave and go to their home. Later i meet John and discuss work, However the work Erasmo and i discussed while in Mexico at the foreign car repair is not available. Ishmale had just broguht several memebers of his family over from Turkey and had a full shop. I got a job at a bar Mcgivneys, off of Mendenhall mall rd. If you been to Juneau you know this place. I got a second job at the Super Bear supermarket next door and started my first night. This was  a simple Janitor job and the man showing me the ropes was leaving so i was to take his place. it was about 2am everybody is relax as far as i know . There was one other guy besides me and the old fart, the three of us had been smoking good weed together thruout the night. Then the other guy comes up to me saying some thing about me not working and i said okay the boss will be here in 3 hours let let him figure it out and thats when the big fat fuck jed came over and bear hugged me carring me out the front door. I said alright if its like that give me my damn jacket. They tossed me my jacket and i walked to a pay phone to call he police. The police come and is a pretty asian lady but she was fucking ugly on the inside. she said okay we have your statment we will go talk to them. The next morning i had cuts and brusises on my rib cage i decided to go to the hospital for documentation wich i recived stating a contusion. The woman officer had not phoned as she said she would so i called to inform of the findings at the hospital. This is when she said i didnt see injury last night. you must have done that to yourself . she said i shinned my flashlight on your supposed injury to find nothing. she went on to say if i had a probolem with what she was saying to talk to her superior. She even said it would be a waste of time because he waould say the same as her. I looked into the internal investigation depament but Juneau is a small town and i just assumed this asian cop was fucking her superior to be so confident. So, I contacted the FBI and after i got a chance to speak to some one the woman says “okay so why are you contacting the fbi ?” I said because this needs to be looked into this is not right.Is that not what your for investigating? The FBI said we dont do that and advised i contact internal investigation, an office inside the police station where this bitch cop works. so i let it go. Now by this time one of Johns neighbors had seen me making trafic from work and back then decided to notify the land lord resulting in john receiving letter explaing how he would be evicted if he was housing any one not on the rental agreement. I decided i had better chance of success to be without a home in Hawaii rathar Alaska . I already had information as far as address for a recording studio writtin down and dreamed this was the answer i just need to get there and fix my life be a man and make my parents proud. I flew to Anchorage and caught a flight to Honolulu. My mother said i needed a hotel i couldnt be on the streets , I didnt trust this it just smelled funny but i wasnt going to argue. I spend the first day at rest in a dark hotel room, i never even got out of bed. The next day i ventured out to Ala Moana park and got in the water. There were a couple of old geezers there by the water, one who lived there and the other with his bicycle loaded down with God knows what. Iasked them “what is that over there” pointing down the coast as what appeared to be harbor full of ships. The one with the bike said, thats china town! stay away from there thats a bad place its very dangerous. So later i made my way to China town. When i arrived i asked a man if he knew where i could find some weed. He said sure head north to the park there is a big tree where everybody smokes grass. I found the place with ease, Aala park. Im not there long when my dear God, who is this? Her name was Shay. She was an island girl of Portuguese decent, she was as beautiful as the sun. I felt myself slip as time went by, there was love in my heart and sadly she was ill. Shay lived in the mental clinic near the park. She was free to come and go as she pleased . She was unique, she had a hard life and we were never anything more than get drunk and high together friends.

My mother was making reservations at hotels and giving me instruction over the phone or email. It was a hotel downtown when i was outside smoking before bed i noticed a very long pair of white legs. these legs belonged to o woman by the name Cam Ellen, she was 41 originally from Texas but spent many years as a wife and the mother of two sons in California. She was going thru a divorce and was in Hawaii for a job in medical insurance and to start a new life . We talked all night and in the morning battled who would go to buy the condoms. Finally this being the first older woman i would be to know i went to the store.

Cam stayed a week with me in the hotel i moved to the next night. She told me she was getting an apartment and to come stay with her. Cam always had some thing to say she knew everything and two weeks later she accused me of cheating on her . She said i saw her phone number written down in your hotel room her name is Amber. I explained Amber is my little sister but she didnt believe me. I stated to undrstand why she may be going thru a divorce. She just wanted some young man she could push around she wanted sex one night and i wanted sleep so she said go ahead and sleep but tomorrow i want you gone. I said ill do better! im gone now! And like an idiot in the late night i go to the streets.

I decided to go to the north shore and take a break from people and the bullshit that surrounds them . Of course you cant get away from people. I left the city poeple and tourists downtown to be welcomed to the north shore by the locals shouting “Fuck you hollie boy!”I built a house in the jungle out palm braches and of an old fishing net that washed up on shore. I made a bed of sand and covered it with a white sheet i dyed black, i still had this from when i worked in the hospitals. I had a storage unit downtown and inside was my guitar. I wanted to just spend time with my guitar in my new jugle house so decided to just go fetch it. I was making a transfer in china town and noticed some one. her name was Sherrie she was 32 one look at her i didnt even know what a guitar was. I said lets go swiming, she said ill have to buy a swim suit. so we went and did some quick shopping and made our way north. Everything was great. A place to rest with a beatiful woman. Fire at night, it was perfect. The second day she says to me “I have to go” I have a boyfriend he lives in Germany “I have to go make money” The next day was my 27th birthday. She gave her number to a fellow low life who also lived with out a home in the park in front of the back coast where i was staying. He gave me the number and i called her. we met up and i didnt like what she was saying, i just started to walk off she said “where are you going?” I said i dont like the things your saying.

I kept going to the weed tree just to see shay and get high. Here i learned of a homless shelter near by. i didnt give a fuck out the housing but in the mornings contractors come here to find men not to fucked off to work for a cheap days pay cash. They liked me. I started work with a few men from Tonga building rock walls for $100 a day. It was hot! heavy work. In order to do these jobs i had to give up my house in the jungle. I noticed a good angle on a old abandoned jail for youth. if you climb up and stand on the fence you can reach the roof and pull yourself up. it was a bitch but once over the side. Privacy. No crackheads No moms just me and the sky. I found another place like this only even better, i spent most my nights here. I also found one more place that was close to the homeless shelter where i met for work in the morning. This place was the second floor balcany to a church and the least secure for my saftey.

I was working hard and had saved $1,000 . I was planning to go to Cambodia. To teach english or work on a farm and either find a wife and have children or simply die. I had the money for the flight so why have i not bought the ticket?

Chapter 12 Mexico

12 Mexico

It was a long way

when i cossed the boarder i converted my dollars and recived 600 pesos.

I had been waiting for this moment so i could buy food. I knew my $60 would buy more to eat in Mexico. It took two days and finaly reached the city.The bus had stopped in the desert and i had chicharron.When we arrived i shit may ass off onto a bush outside of the bus depot. I met some kids outside drinking in the street and some how managed to comunicate. it was understood they were to give me a ride to the better side of town. It turns out it was a joke, the kids took me to the gay part of town and said good luck. I saw some guy and he said hey i speak english. whats up? His name was Augustine and he was with a friend Johhny at the oxxo buying beer. I asked Augustine if he knew of a cheap hotel for the night. I explained i didnt have much money and all the hotels are 300pesos . He spoke to his friend and told me if i bought one bottle of tequila 15 pesos i could crash at his friends home.

It ended up being 70 pesos rathar than the 15.  the next day Johhny explained to Augustine and Augustine explained to me, this isnt my house and you cant stay here but we have a friend down the street maybe he can help you. We went to see this friend Fabrizio. The House of Fabrizio had much character, For one it is in the middle of the city but also hidden away. It is old and some what falling down. Also the ceiling is maybe 12 feet high and in the front room a large book case reaches from the floor to the ceiling. Oh yeah, Fabrizio was a crackhead. And he had a crackhead friend danny in and out of the house. One night i seen danny dress up as a sushi chef and go out with a long knife. He came back later with so many pesos. they did their drugs and i tried to sleep. I must have dossed off for it was the most awful sound i awoke to. The police had been on danny and found him this night. They introduced themselves to danny by beating the shit out of him with their clubs. The sound was awful. I was broke, so  hungry and in a stange place. I pawned my guitar but not speaking spanish Fabrizio pawned it in his name and i ended up losing it even after i later got the 700pesos to get it they wouldnt let me have it back. I recorded almost all my albums with this Fender strat my uncle bought me. I lost everything at this house and then decided with nothing to lose but my stupid life to go to the streets. Since i didnt have a home i was outside pretty much all the time. I explored the city. One night i passed by a kid who spoke english. He had a broke down bus in front of his house, he said i could crash there if i wanted to. What else was i going to do? I knew it was a bad idea but. I rolled around on the floor of this old cold beat down bus in the middle of the street untill about 5am and decided to go wonder aimlessly some more. As i was leaving this punk says “hey man, where you going? i like that jacket, ill give you 100 pesos and a crack rock for it” I said no. He said “dont make me be and asshole” I turned my back and went my way. I made a few steps then i felt the blow. I turned as felt the back of my head. I glance at the blood on my hand then into his cocksucking face. without hesistation he runs quickly away. what a pussy.

Later this day im sitting in the street at Chapultepec feeling sorry for myself, holding my head. This man speaks to me, he does private security and asked me if i needed anything. I really dont recall much of our conversation other than he said his name was Erasmo and he learned to speak english while living in Alaksa .He explained to me he needed some help at his home with some painting and asked if i was up to the task. He told me to meet him here at the same place again tomorrow but later said forget about it lets go today. When we arrived he had an empty apartment he took a bed from his daughters room, 5 gallons of drinking water and i was home. The next day i began painting one of the other 5 aparments he needed help with. After a while i began other jobs, I worked at a bar as a cook, then a carwash. The people were always racist and stupid, the jobs didnt work. I met a girl on the street, her name was Mariana Vilche. I brought her into my house and it was okay untill for one time im sure of i acted like my mother. I told her i wasnt going to be part of her drug use. I told her this while im using myslef i just felt that weed was more okay than huffing. If you never been to mexico you dont know anything about this place. for a cheap high people huff industrial solvent. I told her to stop and she left. I hadnt make conetion with my mother until i remembered the $100 she was holding for me, a birthday gift from my father. And i really needed it.

I asked my mother to wire the money once again establishing contact and informing her of my where abouts . Mexico seemed like a dead end full of racist people and i ran off my love . I cant walk outside without some one saying hey gringo fuck your mother! I spoke with Erasmo more about Alaska . I liked a lot of things about Mexico and felt like i was around good people kinda like what i thought family should be. I mean hell the man gave me his daughters bed and my own room. to me that was a lot considering the last time i say my father and was hungry he said that it was his food. well i get it now pops. I get it now. Erasmo said he has the contacts if i want to go. He said he would speak with them and let me know. Later he told me he spoke with John Robbins the owner of the foreign car repair shop where he had woked at for 10 years and it was a go.

I decided i only know one thing at this moment. I need money, enough money to live and die warm. I contacted my mother and explained i have a chance to go to Alaska to catch the king crab . She said no but then i said there is other work and she wired the money.